A letter to my father

I couldn’t wait to get this pen on paper…

See, I just got home after a full day’s business and as I whiled my way through the maze of traffic, my thoughts were on you. Today was spent with the amazing people you brought my way and have since become family. Our time was rich and came with a dose of refreshment for the soul. The evening turned out lovely as I sat over tea with my two sisters, indulging in seasoned conversations that left my taste-buds alive with zest.

All the while, this little tug in my heart stayed on and I could not deny the void within amidst the seeming fullness of life without. You know, no matter how much I try, I cannot experience the fullness of joy, peace, happiness, love or whatever when you are not in the picture.

See, you are my FATHER and yet there’s more to you than these six letters that attempt to describe your place and purpose in my life.

You are the missing link in my puzzles of life, you complete the picture, you settle me.

You are the connecting switch that turns my lights on

You are the striking match that lights a fire on the dreams in my heart

You are the warmth that rises up from within and causes me to look at the world through the lens of love

You are vision to my sight, the power behind my sails, the warrior that trains my hands for war and my fingers for battle

You are the final brush stroke that gives a touché to the painting of my life

Father, without doubt, the essence of life and destiny is locked up in you. In you I find me, I define me and the loveliest part is that I get to reflect and represent you.You are most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in you. My heart will still keep tugging at me everyday to reach out, to keep close to you. In your presence there is fullness of joy, at your right hand there are pleasure ever more.

I belong to you! my heart was made for you, here’s to living everyday with you in my mind, alive in my heart! I belong to you.

 

He reigns over, I rule under

We were wired for dominion, coded to rule and subdue. We are called to be masters of life, great weavers of the tapestry that forms destiny. Simply put, we are fashioned to rule not as paupers who stumbled upon a throne but as kings rightfully crowned to reign.It is in our place to commandeer life towards the direction we think it should take.

I am a firm believer of steering the ship of my destiny, of taking charge of where I want to be and how I need it to be. At the back of my mind rings my father’s rhetoric said over and over, time and again, “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything”. So I grew up knowing when I stand for something, I will not relent. I made it exciting for myself and said, I can always get WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT it and HOW I WANT it.

A few bends and turns along the journey, I have gained a higher truth. Is it true that we were designed to be in charge? Yes, but this is delegated authority. It means we rule because we are ruled. We take up position because we are under position. We order because we are under order. Plainly speaking, we were not made to be autonomous. I have observed how in an almost default manner we always want to seize control especially of our own personal lives. We have preferences and opinions and sometimes we insist on having things go our way.

The reality is, when it comes to life there is one who stands as owner. He is the possessor of heaven and earth, the source of the breath within me. He made me to rule but He reigns over me and that which I oversee. It beats logic then to think I will always have my way. I am not my own.

Experience has taught me that the order is this; It is not about always getting WHAT I WANT, but about doing it with Him. It is not about getting there WHEN I WANT to but about trusting His timing. It is not about HOW I WANT it done but about moving at His pace.

I am a ruler under authority. He reigns over my life, I administrate on His behalf. I will not build my kingdom alone, just to watch it fall away. There is no me without Him.

There are grander things

Be still my soul…there are grander things. Don’t get caught up in the pettiness. This is the monologue am having with myself. Today, it’s the words in the song that gets me. Jenn Johnson nails it. This one ministers to me deeply, especially today. I’ll leave it at her words.

The rising crescendo of the chords at the beginning and towards the end is captivating! Minutes 2.30-2.40 and 3.31 to 4.34, are my favorite.

I get caught up in all these petty things

Losing sight of what matters to you.

But then you come and take me by the hand

You say, ‘come up here with me’

 

And then my feet came off the ground

You lifted me above the clouds

As I look down the whole world seems so small

Past the stars through space and time

and I forget what’s left behind

as I’m surrounded by these grander things

up here in perfect harmony

You’re orchestrating galaxies

They’re lighting up as far as I can see

The majesty, the mystery

 

Your gravity pulls me close to you

and I can breathe again

Here with you, there’s nothing more to say

and it’s clear what matters to you,

 

Sovereign high above it all

sovereign, you are

and I can rest ’cause it’s all in your hands

sovereign you are

Surrender

THE PAIN

There’s pain in surrender to God, to truth. It normally feels like I am being stripped of my sense of entitlement, my rights to think, to say, to do as I want. But who said what I want is always what I need? I have discovered the more I say NO to me and YES to Him, I find rest for my soul. I grow up in Him. Maturity.

THE PLEASURE

Surrender is like a free fall from the sky, without a parachute. The pull of gravity triggers uncertainty and enough dose of adrenaline rush. It leaves you feeling you have no control. The pull is stronger than anything else. I have seen that surrendering to God may feel the same way-like I am losing control because He doesn’t always give the answers but promises that it shall be well. I want the answers in black and white, I want to know the end but He says ‘be still and know that I am God’. And when I quieten my soul within me, I experience peace. It becomes a pleasure to let go and let God, trusting His arms to hold me up. The free fall is worth it.

THE POWER

There’s freedom in surrender. This is the power of giving in to the call, the demand, the standard of father God. Freedom from fear; that of the unknown, of failure and of death. When the buck stops with Him and not me, I cease trying to ‘contain’ things. I let Him order my steps and for sure though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. I am free. The good shepherd is in charge. In Him all things hold together.

“I see you on the hills God, I want to be there too. Help me say yes to you.”

Lauren Holmes-Victorious in Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6TY5970Kfc

Shepherd of my soul

It’s two a.m, fourteen minutes to be precise. Am seated at the desk, insomniac. Well, I’ve spent the better part of the day in sleep, half-awake, half in pain; my joints screaming, my muscles sore and my stomach in knots. Yet I am here, after downing two small glasses of water to wash off the unpleasant taste of three intimidating blue pills that I had to split in half and swallow six times. I look into the box containing more pills, pick out the leaflet inside and read it curiously. In about an hour, maximum blood concentration will be attained. I will be fully combating the microbes right? My background in medicine does little to help. I need to feel better, I must feel better. I will feel better.

Right in the midst of all these, my heart sounds a song-am just grateful, sincerely so, to God. I mean, He is and has always been the constant one. No pain, no illness, no calamity can change who He is. I love Him, I call Him Abba. He is my father, He has shed His love abroad in my heart and I can’t help but love Him back albeit in the smallest of ways. From my days of infancy to such days of great awareness of destiny, He has been there; being, showing, leading, caring, uplifting, inspiring. And indeed, I am who I am today by His grace.

Often, we get caught up  in what life brings our way and fail to enjoy the thrill of seeing Him by our side through every wave of pain, disappointment and suffering whether the wave is spiritual, emotional or physical. He is always there. His banner over us is love. He does not deny Himself, He never fails and He never lies. Our circumstances notwithstanding, He changes not. He is God.

Lost in the cover of His leading hand, consumed in the fullness of His embrace, soaked in the consuming passion of His presence-that is where I want to be found. He is the shepherd of my soul. Amanda Cook says it well and stamps the reality going on in my heart with her song…

“In the process, in the waiting, you’re making melodies over me.

And your presence is the promise for I am a pilgrim on a journey.

You make my footsteps and my path secure, so walking on water is just the beginning.

Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention, for you are calling me to greater things.

You will lift my head above the mighty waves,

You are able to keep me from stumbling,

And in my weakness, you are the strength that comes from within,

Good shepherd of my soul. Take my hand and lead me on.”

SATISFY

“I don’t want to walk around drinking from broken cisterns,

I don’t want to walk around settling for lesser pleasures,

when you satisfy, you satisfy…”

“You know  I love you, you know I do,

but let me love you more, this is all that I desire,

let me love you more, this is all that I require

let me love you more, this is my deepest heart’s desire,

won’t you let me love you more, still more..”

(Jay Thomas)

 

“You satisfy my soul, you satisfy my soul, you satisfy my soul with your love.”

(Laura Hackett Park- you satisfy my soul)

The theme in my heart today; satisfaction, and these two beautiful songs did me justice in capturing the sentiments roaring inside me. Earlier on today, just musing over the events of the day and the last couple of days, I couldn’t help agree that I am limited and so is everybody else who happens to be human. We are limited in so many ways and only the connection to a higher being with unlimited capacity is the solution we need.

Isn’t it strange; we have money, we claim purchasing power, but still feel empty? We are surrounded by people, we have company, but still feel alone or lonely? We achieve the greatest career milestones but we still yearn for more?

Clearly, we were made to find satisfaction-fulfillment and rest in the one who made us and not in the things He gives us. These things will never ever be enough. We are most satisfied in life when our hearts beat to the sound of Him. We need God, His capacity, power, insight to endure and enjoy the unfolding journey of life.

I know I need God so bad, religion cannot help me. I don’t need rules and rituals, I need the person of God Himself. He is love, He is wisdom, He is power, He is vision, He is hope, He is strength. When I have Him, I have all I need. When I have Him, I have satisfaction in its truest form. I pursue Him, I thirst for Him, everything else just won’t do.

“For my people have committed two evils; they have forsaken me the fountain of living waters and hewn themselves cisterns-broken cisterns that can hold no water” Jeremiah 2:13

“My soul waits silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him” Psalms 62:5